Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
