It's Friday. Sex?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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