Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
