like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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