Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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