walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
