only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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