I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
