possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
