what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
