Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
