If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
