I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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