A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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