Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
