Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
