I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
