I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
