I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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