Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
