We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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