I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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