If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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