i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
