Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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