Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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