Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
