I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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