just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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