The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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