God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
