you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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