She's JV to your varsity
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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