well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
