i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
