Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
