i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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