Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
