i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
