my vag is so smooth its legendary
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
