White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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