Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
