I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
