highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
