My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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