he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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