the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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