you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
