My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
