So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
