You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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