this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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