I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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