Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
