I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
